Entry 55

55

... knocked at the door. I hardly had time to say "enter," when
something enveloped in a thick brown overcoat rolled in, jumped at
me and in a second covered all of my face with hot kisses. I answered
them very attentively.

Then I noticed that the amiable creature was Lucie.

"No, you don't hate me! No, you don't hate me! I know it! I knew
it!..."

"Lucie," I said, "before we proceed, please let me put some of these
papers in my pockets."

"Alex! Don't remind me of that! How did you dare to write such
stories about me? You can't blame me, can you?"

"Perhaps I don't -- for some pages you destroyed. How about the chart,
and about the?..."

She covered my mouth with her hands. "If we recollect everything it
will be endless. And besides I don't think I took anything from you.
Let's forget! I'll forgive you, if you promise me not to write nasty
stories about your Lucie."

I promised, and consented, of course. How can I do otherwise? No use!

I put her near me, poured her some tea and offered her the cookies.

For a time we looked at each other. She certainly looked like a
peasant girl!

"How do you like this costume?" she said. "Next bal masque I certainly
will wear this kind, you may be sure. Of course all of this, and that
must be chiffon, and silk, and...." A woman cannot get on without
these chats. On the other hand -- woman speaks to the man about it with
a concealed contempt: what does a man understand? She does not get
angry when she sees that the man does not listen; he only looks.

"Now," -- she said, gazing around with a dear grimace -- "again in your
element, in dirt? What shall I do with you, Alex? I can't stand it!"

"Dirt is my protection, dear. Why did you leave? Don't run away any
more."

"We will see about it. But first -- what are you doing here? Are you
following me? Don't you think I saw you here? Why do you risk your
life? How did you think of leaving Tumen? How is your cook?"

"Do your questions give me the same right of investigation? I'll
answer you, anyhow. I've decided to lay down my cards, Lucie. I
came here on business. I broke all ties. Nobody wants me. I am
investigating at my own expense, at my own risk, out of curiosity
only. But I am free. Don't you need me? Don't you need a friend? Can't
we live without deceiving each other, without robbing,--eh? I came
here, Lucie, -- and behind all of my intentions was one thing only: I
hoped to find you, and tell you how much I love you. I knew you had to
be near the center, and the center is, at least now -- here. Don't lie
to me, bad girl, I know what I am talking about. Now -- when I think we
again will part -- I have chills; especially when I think of your manner
of going away: pinning a "good-by" to the cushion. Please, let us be
together!"

"You should not tempt me, Alex. I feel just as you do, only -- I don't
think I can even dream of our being together -- right now, I mean. What
will be after -- we'll see."

"Cannot you arrange something for me so that I could be with you in
your business? Did not you ask me before to do so? Now -- I come to
you."

"It's true, I did. Things have changed. Can you believe me when I
swear I am telling the truth? Yes? You'll try? Well, I wanted you in
Petrograd -- you fascinated me; that was all -- and if then, after being
with us, you had come to know too much and something had happened to
you, I would, of course, have been sorry -- but -- how shall I say it?
Not too much. In Tumen -- you know I came to Syvorotka with certain
purposes: you described them well in your diary, so well that I had to
put my censorship on them -- I did not suspect Syvorotka was -- you...."

I made an impatient movement. "Again your fairy tale?"

"Alex!" she exclaimed, "I conjure you to believe me! Can't you see?
Get me to tell you the truth when I am so happy as now! I could not
lie to you! So that's how I came to Tumen. You were there, and you
know what happened. Now -- don't laugh at me -- I understand that you
risked too much, and I ran away, because I saw -- I loved you. I'd die
if I knew something had happened to you on account of me. I told them
that you had gone to Kazan, or Nijni, that you had turned into a real
bolshevik. They think you are out. For them -- you are lost. And they
must not see you here."

"Who are 'they'? And how about you knowing too much?" I inquired.
"Your mysteries don't sound grave anyhow."

"Alex, I'll be angry! Again you ask silly things."

So I kissed her and asked how Stanley was and the Russian and the
Letts, and the pony.

"Poor little thing! It died. We tried to reach Tobolsk with it."

"Your Stanley poisoned it with his chimney," I said.

"Don't hold anything against him, Alex. He is a good fellow. And don't
be jealous, you bad, dirty, lovable crank. He still thinks you are a
Canadian."

"He never thinks. He fancies."

She laughed. "Yes, you are jealous. It is silly of you, but
agreeable. I did not know you could be."

"Now, let's be serious. You can't stay here. I must insist on your
going away, dear, for your own sake, for our sake! I promise it
won't be for a long time -- perhaps it will only seem so, if you love
me! Don't say no. Can't you picture how happy we can be afterwards?
How somewhere away from here we could marry, and.... You must go away.
Why not go to England, or Japan, or Sweden? Just a trip?"

"How funny you talk!" I said. "Listen to my reasons. One: I must stay
near you. Two: I must see the end of this tragedy. Three: I must
close my bit of an account with some people. Four: All I have is not
enough to pay for this room -- so no trips for me. Five: ..."

"Stop! Stop!" she exclaimed, and crawling into my lap, continued:

"My poor boy! That -- is killing! I know why you are so poor! You spent
every penny on others! You had some earnings! And to think of all you
were bringing to me in Tumen ... then you did not care even, but just
to be hospitable to an intruder.... And other things.... How can I
repay you!..."

"There are no reasons for crying on this account. Forget it please.
Don't put me in the light of a benefactor -- I hate it."

"No, no! I feel so guilty now. I'll give you money."

"Don't offend me. All I want is not to be an idiot in the future and
not to lose you. So I have said it -- and it is said. When it comes
to stubbornness, I hardly think anybody could beat me. So just
understand: I am going to stay where you are, and if you try this
time to get away, I'll have to take measures. I'll kidnap you.
I'll put you in a place where no 'Navy-Cut' is smoked. Now -- it is
serious. Understand?"

We talked, and argued, and even quarrelled, and again made peace,
until she declared herself beaten. Maybe she was angry; perhaps
scared; but surely greatly flattered. A woman is a woman -- always
flattered when she sees persistence. She consented to take me into her
game. I had to swear, and cross my heart, and give endless words of
honor, all that for a position of a traffic man, like the one in
Tumen. I had to swear that no cooks, or maids, or ladies (especially
ladies!) would distract me from the thought of her. Very selfish, but
understandable. It was late, when she left me.

"Alex," she said on the threshold, "Please don't talk. Do not write,
please! You'll have time to finish your diary, and write even a series
of books on the subject afterwards. Maybe I'll help you even. Close
your diary. Give it to me, I'll hide it!..."

"Is that so?" I said, "there is nothing now that would be of
interest to you."

"Everything interests me, dear. Aren't you mean to your Lucie?... Very
well, hide it yourself, burn it, if you can't hide it. Can't you keep
in your mind your impressions? Do you promise? Consider me too!"

"I promise. I'll do it. I must only write all about this evening.
Every word. This evening I almost trust you. It is of historical value
therefore."

She gave her consent.

When the door closed after her, and my lips were still burning,
hideous phantoms of doubt poured into the room; they tortured me, and
sneered at me, and kept me awake....

And with the pale rose of the first sunrays the phantoms of doubt left
me exhausted, miserable and helpless like a wet cat.