Entry 48

48


Today I saw a man who resembled strikingly the Tumen Russian of the
profane language. And it reminded me very much of the Ls., of the
English officer, of the fellow with dark eyeglasses -- and of Lucie. I
felt abandoned again. So I went to the Church, but then turned back:
I cannot go in, for it might spoil my reputation of a Red. However, I
stood for a bit near the doors and listened to the singers, and then
decided to go to the Catholic church, for only Russian Reds must not
pray; Polish Reds happen to have this privilege.

There is no difference in fact. I wanted to be closer to something
elevated.

The lights were so quiet and peaceful looking in the dark church
through high-colored windows. There were not many people in their
church, so I could concentrate. But instead of a Christian quiet, I
got something else. I guess the idea came to me when I thought that
Pashinsky was a Pole.

I began to think that I could not do very much here, -- but still
something. They will try to annoy the Princesses, and I must protect
them. Thus -- my staying here will be justified. If Pashinsky or the
Letts should do something that would be bad, I'll kill them, -- or some
of them. When I thought of it, I looked at the Holy Faces; the sun
came out of the white clouds, the rays fell on the walls, -- and
the Faces smiled at me. "Yes," I thought, "if my decision is not
agreeable, -- the sun will hide behind the clouds again. I'll wait for
five minutes" -- the sun did not hide, -- so -- this was accepted. Then I
tried to figure how to do it, and found a way. I'll get Pashinsky at
the first attempt.

My God, what nonsense I think of!